Well, here we are friends. We’ve made it!

I have been watching all of the past Spider-Men films to get ready for No Way Home, and I’ve finally arrived at an important milestone: I finally get to be rid of Tobey.

NO OFFENSE to those who cherish him from their childhoods, I just CANNOT get into him as Peter Parker. I think I’ve seen Tom Holland and now, nothing will ever hit the same.

That said I am anxious about a few things:

1. I was told there was a dance scene to remember.

2. I need James Franco to FINALLY be the villain.

So, without further adieu, let’s get into it. It’s already been 23 years, so I’ve waited long enough.

62 Thoughts I Had Watching ‘Spider-man 3’ for the First Time Ever

1. We love an opening montage to catch us up on everything thus far.

2. OMG BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD!! Also, how are these kids being mean to him? As if they aren’t all nerds in their advanced physics class???

3. Kirsten Dunst isn’t really singing, is she? *googles it* SHE WAS! Whoa.

4. Uh oh, James Franco is up to no good. Will he finally be the villain??

5. What is this weird slime monster?! It reminds me of ‘Stranger Things’.

6. Who is this criminal with a kind heart? (Update: that’s his kid.)

7. I do love sweet old Aunt May. She’s the best part of these movies. Well, she and J.K. Simmons.

8. Who is this flying skateboard guy and does he have to do with the goop from earlier?

9. JAMES FRANCO FINALLY.

10. This chase /fight scene feels like it has lasted 57 minutes.

11. Wow Tobey is two for two on murder in this family. (I don’t think he’s actually dead.)

12. Is this escaped con gonna get super powers too? And what happened to the slime monster?

13. What….and I cannot emphasize this enough….the heck is happening.

14. Soo….now we have a man made of sand and also James Franco is nice again?

15. I try very hard to support women but WOW KIRSTEN DUNST IS ANNOYING AS MJ.

16. Topher Grace’s HAIR. That’s it, that’s the thought.

17. Honestly if there was a spin-off sitcom called “The Daily Bugle” starring J.K Simmons and Elizabeth Banks, I’d watch it.

18. STAN LEE!!!!

19. Oh…James Franco has the moves. Green Goblin will be back.

20. Is that Brittany Murphy?! *yes*

21. Is he…only powerful in sand? This has got to be the dumbest villain yet.

22. Ok Peter Parker, you can’t let another girl kiss you on stage with your girlfriend watching. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

23. Is this Maître d’ also the usher from the last one? *checks IMDB* Yes. Also the announcer from the first one. That’s kinda fun.

24. Tobey you are really blowing it.

25. OMG SANDMAN KILLED UNCLE BEN??!!

26. This is a very dramatic black and white flashback but at least Peter can drop some of his guilt?

27. Oh wow there is so much ludicrous plot happening, I almost forgot about the slime.

28. The all-black look is pretty sleek, ngl.

29. I feel like the entire point of this movie is to demonstrate the latest and greatest in 2007 CGI.

30. Peter you and I both know Mudman is not dead. But also wow, is Pete emo now?

31. Peter do you really think Aunt May doesn’t know who you are???

32. Why is Peter’s landlord low key the best character?

33. Honestly in this universe, just let MJ and James Franco be together.

34. THANK GOODNESS. Willem Dafoe come save this movie.

35. Gotta respect James Franco’s game, he’s playing with emotional warfare.

36. Ooooh dark and ominous music…hello emo Pete.

37. Wow emo Pete is also playing with emotional warfare.

38. Did he just murder his once BFF? Probs not.

39. The goo is what’s making him emo right?

40. Topher Grace is obviously gonna try and fight Peter now.

41. I am CRINGING walking him down the street. Did he just do finger guns?! Please stop.

42. Sandman is alive, no doy.

43. …and I thought the finger guns were bad. This is the worst scene of any Spider-man film. No, any Marvel film. No….any film.

44. DID HE JUST ASSAULT MARY JANE?! Wow it’s a wonder anyone even likes Spider-man as a character after this.

45. Pretty sure you’re not supposed to ask Jesus to murder anyone.

46. Wait…isn’t that Venom? I thought Tom Hardy was Venom???

47. Aunt May with the kicky beret.

48. So how many villains does this movie have…three now? That’s too many for one movie.

49. This movie has been on for less than two hours but somehow feels MUCH longer.

50. LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE PETE.

51. People keep saying Green Goblin killed himself and I realize *technically* that’s true but also…he was trying to kill Spider-man who had better reflexes, so I kinda feel like James Franco’s anger wasn’t COMPLETELY baseless. Am I wrong?

52. Topher Grace is a terrible villain.

53. James Franco is way better than Tobey Maguire in these movies.

54. The two of them working together are the best fight moves I’ve seen in this whole trilogy though.

55. He looks like a character from “Don’t Look Under the Bed.”

56. I swear if James Franco dies I’m going to be pissed.

57. Ok Venom is dead? (I know he’s not cause I know there are more movies that I haven’t seen.)

58. Uncle Ben was a real one.

59. Did Sandman just get snapped?

60. I’m pissed.

61. At least I understand the ugly crying Tobey gif now. In other news, I am NOT crying which says something about how I feel about these movies because I cry at everything.

62. Wow, glad that is over.

 

That is one of the worst movies I have ever seen — Marvel or not. I am. so sorry Tobey stans, we do not align.  Spider-man needs to have a level of swagger that he simply does not have. And I will be spending the rest of my life trying to erase the dance scene from my mind.

Beyond Tobey, this movie had too many villains — and I still don’t even understand Sandman. Luckily this movie has horrible reviews and ratings, so at least I know I am not alone in my feelings.

I am glad I watched it so I know what people are talking about, and I am even more glad to never watch it again.

 

I award this film 3/10 stars.

Next up: the Amazing Spider-man.

 

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